Things are changing. Can ya’ll feel it? I know it’s not just me because there’s a whole bunch of craziness going on in the sky right now. My hippy dippy astrology sources are buzzing. Don’t worry, this isn’t a star post– you skeptics can continue reading. This post is about transitions. More specifically, the transitions tying me to their never ending progression towards actualized goals.
Last night I had my first therapy session in a few weeks. There was the holiday, my week in Michigan, plus I don’t see her every week anymore because I’m, like, handling myself or whatever. I told her about my vacation– about saying goodbye to my sister’s family as they travel, catching up with loved ones, and old or unexpected emotions that sprung some leaks in my eyes. PTSD is a crazy and irritating little guy that likes to swoop in when I think I’ve established enough distance between us. Eesh.
Anywho, my therapist asked me how I’m doing with my s.e.e.d.s. (socializing, exercise, education, diet, and sleep) and it was brought to my attention that the socializing aspect of my self-care is lagging behind the others. Not in an “I’m isolating myself” way, but because between my traveling and my friends having their own lives, I’m not spending as much time with them as I’ve grown used to. This alone time has me in a state of heightened introspection and life planning. As I explained my thoughts and feelings to Julie (therapist) she noticed a theme in the lives of those around me.
I have a handful (plus some extra fingers) of people very close to me. Three of them live in the Chicago area, and the rest are scattered around the country/world. Every single one of these people, with the exception of one, are deep into life phases of embracing their significant others and making life decisions fueled by those relationships. To be clear, yay them– not a bad thing at all, just an element foreign to my present reality.
As we continued to unpack this theme, it became clear to Julie that I’m a smidge frustrated by having spent the last year or two actively transitioning and independent without having much to show for it. I’m still molding my life into form (NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT) and it’s only natural to compare myself to the those around me who’ve already done this and have the career/boyfriend/husband thing all set.
So, my present reality is this state of limbo. I know what I want. I am working towards those things/focused on honoring myself and my calling. I am aware that the people I love are in different-less-limbo-y spaces. I know that I shouldn’t compare, know that life has no set timeline, and resolve to keep trudging through my transitions while shutting down the natural, yet unwelcome, feelings of inadequacy. Change, on its own, makes me uncomfortable. Pair that with persistent feelings I know are unfair to myself, and you get a very in-her-head Morgan. I feel a little too comfortable in that head; and as such, am trying to remain cognizant of my inclination to live there. Must. Keep. Expressing.
Life is weird and change is scary; but, both are inevitably inescapable. I’m not sure of any antidote to these feelings other than embracing my awareness and continuing my march forward.
Up and up.
-M
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