Alright all, I’m pumping the breaks on the letters. Who knows if that series will resurface, but I’m feeling too restricted by them at the moment. I don’t tolerate restrictions well.
I’ve been feeling starved of blog posts. More-so starved of creativity, I suppose. I’ve felt too trapped with myself, and like my fear of making life-altering mistakes has monopolized my brain… rendering me incapable of anything other than worrying. Which is, truly, a shame because I had a lovely weekend.
Things are moving right along with the man friend I’ve been seeing; and, in an attempt to not sound like a whiny broken record, I’m NOT going to write a whole post about my ex, my PTSD, and my brain conspiring to sabotage my future love life (whoa run-on sentence–let’s not be friends). So, I’m going to talk about judgement.
We make judgements all day every day. I judge how long I’m going to give my 3 year old nanny kid in the bathroom before I decide she’s doing something she shouldn’t be. I judge my writing, how well I do my job, and (most of all) I judge my choices. I am a paranoid mess of a person in the face of major change. I can confidently discern that the relationship that’s forming in my life will largely impact me. However, in my worrying, I cannot discern if that impact will be positive or not. Rather than be excited by the familiarity of this person, and the giddiness of our feelings, I’m hesitant of them. That hesitancy is cheering me on to make a judgement about this guy and where we’re going. But it’s too soon. And, I’m struggling with yielding enough patience to sit through my thoughts to form a fair judgement. It’s cripplingly difficult.
I’m struggling with how much to share, I’m struggling with others’ opinions and their own worry for me. It makes me want to hold up in my bed and sleep through all of the transitioning. I feel my life changing. I feel tests brewing. I know that I am ready and adept to face my future, but I’m fighting it. I’m trying to hold myself back from moving forward, which is ultimately keeping me from progressing. Perhaps as I trudge through the mud of the unknown and cope with my emotional gambling (this is funny because I went to a horse track this weekend), I need to reinstate my “up and up” mantra. I can’t remain frozen in the comfort of the life I’ve built for myself because it feels safer than growing. I will continue to honor myself, recognize my inclinations, weigh my options, and remind myself of reality. What is life without progress?
Up and up, ya’ll.