I had a plan. I told you what I was going to write about today. I had 11 pages of notes on said blog post. But then, Mercury. Yes, really. Here is my running list of mishaps from the past 36 hours:
1. Work on Friday was abnormally stressful.
2. I left all 11 pages of blog notes at work, and didn’t write this weekend.
3. I should have, probably, made some different choices on Saturday.
4. Sunday is spent beating self up about said Saturday decisions. I do not complete anything I need to do to prepare for the week.
5. Wake up this morning. I receive a notification that it’s time to check into my flight to Florida. I start checking in, and my destination has been changed to Nashville. It’s not completely the airline’s fault, but it is a story too complicated to waste time explaining. Anyway; after three nauseating hours, I have a flight to the correct destination. I can breathe again.
6. I make it to work. The morning begins a bit chaotically. Jackson, the oldest of my nanny kids, is home from school on spring break. Not a big deal, but a slight error in communication, and I wasn’t mentally prepared.
Things are calming down, for now, and I have a moment to share these words. I don’t know if these, plus smaller, insignificant mishaps, have been happening because Mercury is in retrograde. I do know that everything that is happening has been communicatively rooted, travel related, and lesson provoking– all areas associated with Mercurial retrogrades. Maybe I attracted all of these circumstances through the energy I put forth understanding the retrograde. Maybe it’s all a coincidence, or maybe it’s just my luck. But, it is all happening and; eesh, it feels too reminiscent of how my life operated during my last bout of dark times.
When things go wrong in my life, circumstances deteriorate like falling dominos. My first memory of this trend is my Junior year of high school. When the trend continued as I aged, I would often receive feedback that my experiences were not noteworthy, and that I was conceded to believe that I had extraordinary clusters of bad experiences to process. Come to think of it, throughout much of my life, I have been told by friends and family that I needed to have more realistic dreams, not feel so strongly, and relax. I’ve lived my life carefully weighing others’ impressions of my behavior– trying to stifle the gut feelings I’ve had within me. I have understood these outside perspectives as my truths, convinced myself that my raw thoughts and feelings aren’t who I am, and that I need others to confirm or deny my perception of reality.
Unsurprisingly; months ago, in therapy, my counselor and I realized that I didn’t know who I was. That epiphany jump started my adventure to understand myself. There was an immense amount of introspection, therapy, psychic readings, prayer/God, journaling, hurting, astrology research, and then my reading with a numerologist. This is what I planned to share with you today– my journey of self discovery. Perhaps Mercury will give me a break while I’m on vacation, and I will write that for you in Florida.
For now, I’d like to say: what a shame it is that I didn’t live my early life with confidence. Namely, that I was encouraged to live under the command of my mind rather than my feelings. Oh my goodness, writing that was hilarious because, obviously, I can’t trust my mind– it’s all unbalanced and insecure. My feelings; those have never wronged me (only when I start thinking about the feelings do they short-circuit). The advice I received from everyone growing up wasn’t malicious or wrong, it just wasn’t right for me. I, still, cannot wait to tell you why. I tell ya what– my story of self-discovery is a cool one… please don’t miss it. Stay tuned.