I don’t share writing like this. The purpose of this blog is to be uplifting and positive. I have said that I’ve struggled; I say that I continue to battle depression, but I’ve never shared the hurt as I feel it. I’m doing this today because I find myself in tears when I don’t want to be.
Dating blows, right? By the way, I mean dating in the broadest sense. Wanting someone, being wanted, awkward dates, when you’re not into it, dumping someone, being dumped, texting, dating apps, all of it—it sucks. Why do we do it anyway? I know why I do, but today I’m having a really hard time comparing myself to others; so, I’m not going to assume I know why you do.
This post will, likely, sound whiny to you. I am aware of this, but I need to share it anyway. Despite my commitment to growing upward, I still struggle. Today, I’m struggling with others seeing me for who I am. Weird– because I’m all about being loving and unapologetically yourself. I am aware of my intensity. I am aware that the expectations I allow myself to have are high. I am passionate, and I am honest. I don’t want to stop being these things. So why am I crying because I’ve been told for the umpteenth time that I demand too much and there are plenty girls who are chiller than me?
Guys don’t want to date women who are crazy and demanding. They don’t want work; they want the thrill of a chase and a relaxed relationship to follow. If I can’t be that, how can I ever expect to find myself in a secure relationship? I’m stuck in this place where I know who I am and that I shouldn’t compromise myself for anyone, yet I’m repeatedly told that who I am is undesirable. I’m told that I am not worth the effort, that there’s always someone easier than me. The only men I’ve been dating who want to stick around are the ones I don’t feel connected to. They’re the guys I’m detached from, and when I’m detached, I am not my intense and driven self.
Who has wanted the passion in me? Who devoured my energy? Who is the only person who told me that my affect was too flat, and that I need more fire in me? You guessed it, the abusive ex. The one person I’ve dated who has matched my intensity.
So here I am, convincing myself that my only options are: being alone, changing myself, or inviting my past to repeat itself by dating another intense person. Scratch that– I’m not trying to convince myself of that truth, I already believe it. I think it’s time that I take a step back from going on these dates and talking to all of these men. It shouldn’t hurt so much to hear the truth of myself. At the same time, it’s not like I’m dating because I think I need someone. I need no one. I want companionship. I want an equal. I don’t want a partner (because I don’t want to have to rely on anyone, I don’t want codependence). I want to root for someone and be supported in return. I want to celebrate the person he is, and I want to feel good about the person I am. However, because this is a want and not a need, I’m not feeling like I’m changing my mind. I’d rather remain on my own than continue hearing my personality described as a character flaw. I don’t want to feel less than the chill girls the men I’ve cared about have chosen over me. At this point in my journey with dating, I believe the reward is not worth the struggle. I’d rather just be me, and me alone.