Remember last Monday when I made that list of topics about which I was going to write? I checked a couple off the list on Wednesday and Friday, but as I find myself typing now– nothing is really screaming that it needs to be shared. Because the majority of feedback I get from these posts comes to me in the form of numbers and graphs (also texts from friends and family), it’s tricky to gauge what others feel most inclined to read. What I’m gathering, though, is that most of you enjoy reading about my secrets. Not a shocker– don’t we all like to be in the know? Well guys, I’m feeling a little void of juicy gossip. Wow– I’m doing a great job selling this piece. I guess I need a little patience from you for this one. Here we go:
It was an eventful weekend, I suppose. I had a date on Friday with a Libra (a first for me), and it was a good time with a lot of good conversation. You can look forward to a post on dating soon! If you’re learning anything from my star posts, you might be interested to know that Libra is another air sign who is difficult to read. My best friend Shannon is a Libra (as well as my sisters). I remember meeting Shan in college– we were randomly matched as roommates along with our other friend, Amanda. It took me a long time to figure these ladies out.
While we always had fun together, as soon as Shannon stopped speaking, I could tell that a lot was happening in her head that she wasn’t sharing. It drove me nuts that I couldn’t figure out what it was. I’m good at deciphering what others are thinking. I’m definitely not an Edward Cullen-level mind reader, but it’s pretty easy for me to follow another’s train of thought and body language to determine what’s going on in their noggin. Long story short, I feel like I’m missing one of my senses when I don’t know what someone else is thinking while we’re together– it’s a challenge that I’m not used to.
I actually spent Saturday with Shannon, and still freaked over not knowing where her mind was. Through knowing each other for seven years, I’ve become pretty good at figuring out what she’s thinking. Usually, I can narrow it down to two possibilities which I have to share with her until she opens up about which is true. I’m grateful that she indulges me and doesn’t let on that it’s annoying to be questioned so much. I think it’s something that people closest to me have learned to live with, and I’m learning that a lot of times, it’s not something that new people want to include in their lives.
It’s inevitable that we will run into people while we live who don’t care for us. I used to exhaust myself with reshaping my behavior to be liked by everyone. This is probably why I was synonymous with shyness because I was always reading the situation to determine how I should act. This is also why it took me 23 years to figure out who I am. Though I’m thrilled to know me and wouldn’t sacrifice it, every time I am unapologetically myself and lose someone because of it, it’s hard not to revert to making myself universally likable. I know that I can make people like me, but I have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do that. I have to set aside my opinions and emotions to cater to another’s. Everything I hold in begins eating me, my mental health gets wack, and eventually, when I do show myself to the person I want to like me, it’s more painful to be rejected. After spending so much time with someone I’ve worked to impress, it hurts way more to be unwanted than it would have had I been more open about myself in the beginning.
I have to remember to keep that in perspective. No matter the sting of new people choosing to pass on me, I can’t change how I am living. Living as clay rather than solid in my beliefs only hurts more in the long haul. I have to remember my support systems to get me through the little blows, and keep doing me. By not being me, I am asking the past to repeat itself.
Yep, that’s it, that’s where these words wanted to go. A reminder to be ourselves on this post-Superbowl Monday. So much easier said than done, good luck ya’ll.