Fun fact, it’s been six years since the photo up there was taken. I thought it was only a second ago– what is happening to time? Anyway:
Last night I met with my therapist at her new office in the Loop. I took the train like an assimilated Chicagoan, passed all the tourist spots, and mingled with the rush hour folk. I’m looking forward to having the same opportunity every week as it’s nice to have an excuse to go to a part of town I never visit.
Last night was my first session in a couple weeks. As you might surmise, I had a lot to catch her up on. However, what’s been occupying the most space in my brain this week is my regret for how I handled myself with that guy I was talking to. I was really proud that I identified a behavior that was distressing me, but I’d be lying if I said that I also wasn’t picking up that my growing feelings were not being reciprocated. When someone is into you, they make time for you. You become an exciting highlight of the day, something to look forward to. It was clear that when we began speaking, I attracted this behavior. When his excitement weaned, I felt it– which is when I wrote this post. Usually when I’m freaking out, it’s because I know what’s going on and don’t want it to be true. After sharing these feelings with him, I was fed more excuses (no shame, he was trying to spare me hurt). In not being given an absolute or complete truth, my hope continued to fester until I believed that it was my own decision to stop seeing each other.
The thing is, after making some less than fantastic choices to process this, I realized that the person who’d just been dismissed from my life shared many commonalities with me. I realized I could learn a lot from him. I realized that I could teach him a lot. I realized that his demeanor and goals were so compatible with my own that pretending we’d never met would be a slap in the Universe’s preverbal face.
Do you think you know my mind well enough to assume what I did next? Classic Morgan and her need to communicate, perfectly, shared her thoughts with him. Now, I’ve been around the block enough to know that this was going to result in one of the following responses:
C. Realizing the validity of my point (spoiler alert: this never happens)
D. An explanation/apology/final decision
The answer was, (D.) and what do I do with that? Deduce I’ve not explained what I’m thinking correctly and try again. Man, am I pitiful. What’s happening in my head is that I am having a strong gut feeling that is too distracting to disregard. I think that if I convey my belief and reasoning in the best way, it’s logic is undeniable.
Instead of continuing to embarrass myself and fight for a potential that only I see, I’m settling with the notion that my intuition is only mine. Trying to reasonably explain why something is worthwhile to another person is useless if that person lacks the experiences I’ve lived to understand their significance. A very wise person told me months ago that one of the greatest struggles of my life is and will be trying to spare others of mistakes. While something may be concrete to me, another person might not realize the obviousness because they haven’t learned the same lessons I have.
So here we are. My intuition lost in translation/he’s just not that into me/forever alone/please, none of you let me settle for anyone. Deal? Alright, better choices from here on out. Maybe my dating advice from now on will come from Lindsey who is having more luck than I. Get it girl.
Ps. I knew I wanted to write today. I also know that I have too much material to work with. I have a lot to say about a lot of things and for that reason, I’d really love some feedback from you. I would love to know what YOU could benefit from reading most. What brings you here? What are you going through that I might know about? My oldest nanny kid says I know everything; so, it must be true. I want to write posts that will help you. The topics are practically limitless, and I’d say the only things I don’t feel confident writing about are calculus, child birth, and sports. Everything else is fair game. Let me know in a comment, message, email, or however you prefer contacting me. Much fun.