Throughout my adventure with depression and continuous processing of what has happened to me since I’ve been in Chicago, there is one thing I struggle with most. I’ve alluded to this before, but as I struggle with it today, I feel called to elaborate on what I mean.
What I’ve said before is that I struggle with my thoughts and emotions. But I think in saying that, I’m understating the impact that it has on me. In the past six months (or so) I’ve not been challenged in this way. My life was focused on rebuilding and positivity. Rather than add to my life, I was constantly eliminating toxicity. In the more recent past, I’ve felt strong enough to shake things up.
As I’ve continuously mentioned, I’ve only just reintroduced men into my life. It’s been super fun, exciting, and I’ve met someone whom I enjoy. However, what I’m finding is that with these feelings, I’m having to process a lot about my past that I’ve not had to deal with before.
This puts me in a precarious situation as I feel it’s too soon to unload my thoughts and problems onto someone who didn’t sign up for them. We’ve also only known each other for a minute, and while I joke that I’m trying to scare him away, it is a legitimate fear of mine. I feel like I’m straddling a part of me who thinks she needs to honor the honesty of my situation while understanding what’s normal and healthy at this point of knowing someone.
When I think through this, it makes me angry that I have to live this way. It makes me resent the wavering chemicals in my brain and the person who conditioned the trust out of me. I struggle when I feel this frustration because it’s too reminiscent of how I felt while I did the majority of my healing. I hated my anger. I wanted it out of me and while it’s mostly gone, I’m upset about finding it again.
Does this mean I’m not ready for what I’m doing? I’m not sure. I think this process is inevitable with whomever decided to date me. As my Lindsey friend explained to me about myself, “[I] went through some s*** in [my] past relationship and now feel like [I] need constant contact to reaffirm that someone is into [me]. [I] just need to work through it and in time it will get easier. Everyone’s got their relationship issues…” She went on to say that if New Guy was over this, he’d tell me and that guys don’t typically over-analyze in the same way we do. To him, telling me that he’s busy is literally that, while I start panicking that I’ve said too much or that he’s changed his mind.
All of this to say, this is more strenuous than I anticipated. I know that I’m strong and ready, but as I continue to discover the repercussions of the abuse I endured, I’m finding another layer of healing to tend to. Moreover, as my feelings for this person grow, I feel the stakes of rejection heightening. I know that what I’m doing is good, it’s just not easy. I suppose the upward climb is always inherently challenging.
Ps. If you still need that hotline for domestic violence that I shared before, you’ll find it here.