Katy Perry says that we shouldn’t be afraid to catch feels, but it’s hard to keep reminding myself that. Are you pumped for my first post about dating? I’m pretty nervous, but here we go.
Not long after my birthday, (November 10 for those who don’t keep track) I put myself back in the dating game. I took a year hiatus because I had some obvious trust/abuse/hating men issues that I, rightfully, needed to work through. Was a year enough time? I don’t know, but I felt ready; so, I went with it. I met a few people, went on a few dates, and was pretty impressed with the kindness and respect I received (my standards were pretty low, y’all). What I found, though, is that men were put-off when I expressed my relief at their kindness, thought I was intense for talking about emotions, and I was kicked to the curb. The thing is, I hadn’t yet figured out if I had feelings for them– I was just trying to re-acclimate to testosterone and enjoy myself. Joke’s on them, I guess.
Anyway, something new has happened this week. I met someone. And we went out a couple times (yeah, today is Wednesday… We hung out two days in a row– don’t judge). Now, I’m not trying to set any expectations or thinking about skipping around to love songs, but I’m having some feelings. I haven’t had feelings like this in years. And I’m fearful. Mildly terrified, actually.
What I’m struggling with most are the similarities that I notice between him and who I’ve dated in the past. I haven’t been able to sort through the traits that burned me most previously because they were muddled by alcohol and substances (on my ex’s end– I’m all good on the substance abuse front). However, I’m very cognizant of the fact that my prior relationships were unhealthy, and I fear that allowing myself to feel what I am will put me in a position to lose sight of reality. I’ve been talking about this in therapy for months, and now that the first test is here, I don’t want to fail it. I think I’m doing a decent job separating my memories from what I’m observing in this guy. I mean, so far he hasn’t given any indicators that he’s an alcoholic, controlling, hot tempered, too physical, or anything but courteous (remember the bar was low). So, if I’m not noticing any of these red flags, what’s going on? This is my guess:
I have a type. I know, some of you knew this, but I thought my type was limited to blondes with blue eyes (this dude has neither– I’m proud). I’m figuring out that my type has more to it, and that it’s along the lines of charm, charisma, and humor. You can imagine that a lot of assholes fit that description, and you would be right. Hence my fear. These traits have hooked me again, but the thing is– I’m not picking up any signs that he’s being disingenuous or insincere. What if I’m getting all of the traits that I usually fall for, but this one doesn’t have a catch? Is that possible? I can hear my dad’s voice saying, “no Morgan, that’s not possible, don’t let your guard down.” Am I right, Dad? Do I just proceed with caution and try to embrace my feelings? If Katy Perry says I should, it’s probably good advice, right? Should I continue typing hypothetical questions until I figure this out? Nah, I’ll be done now.
I suppose only time will tell, and I should stop freaking out. I’ll try to enjoy the feels…